I am going to be in the room whjen you have your first child and spit on its face before its even all the way out of you.
My t9 writes chubies instead of bitches.
either way. win, win.
We should be called the Road Head Warriors
I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
You asked him to stand still, you put your leg on his shoulder, started dry humping the air
I just made a steamroller out of a christmas ornament. I feel so festive.
Theres an amvulance here. It might be for me
Hey my vagina is like a company. Everyone has an equal opportunity....
For context, I was hiding under the pong table mooing at everyone by that point.
I'm sorry I never said I wasn't coming home last night. To my defense I did type and send a text, only I was too drunk to realize I sent it to the guy I was with instead of you.
If you're going to do that you're going to need a pleather suit.
Seriously. Are we going out tonight? If we're not, I'm going to put on sweatpants and do drugs.
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
That went from 0 to lesbian orgy much faster than expected...
Randomize
