Well I'm going to a gay club in my banana suit. You should come. My bro is going as a pirate. I don't know if there's a theme.
i totally forgot about the coupon that said i would show him how i pleasure myself.
Kanye's agent is the only person whose job sucks worse than mine.
I have discovered something important. The trick to making food taste better is not always 'more hot sauce'.
found a ham sandwich in the elevator it tasted so hungry and it was still fresh. dont be mad at me. you know you love ham.
If it's any consolation, I've been sitting in the hallway in assless chaps for the past thirty minutes
I can hear my parents having sex. I REPEAT. I CAN HEAR MY PARENTS HAVING SEX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!
Your mom is 55 and has MS. To be honest, I'm proud of her, and you should be too, bitch.
Just fucked a MILF from Alaska. I love traveling.
Definitely just realized I wore a shirt that says "building leaders for Christ" to a hookup. Roll tide.
You are the only lesbian I know that needs plan b
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
The ONLY reason I am doing laundry is because all my sweatpants are dirty.
I think I broke my toilet with my head. There are ceramic pieces everywhere. and I might still be drunk.
I will be wearing a suit out more cuz it has been decided i rage harder with a power tie
Hey, sorry I choked you last night... I was just really excited to see you.
Randomize
