i can't believe you bought a jetta. you know that's a girl car, right? if i hadn't had sex with you, i'd have no other proof you're straight.
Oscar is the man. He keeps getting pictures of hot nude women with messages in spanish saying "i hope you like it" sent to his phone
whose oscar?
the baller who i guess decided to give out a fake number at the bar last weekend. luckily that fake number was mine. i have enough porn to last me until next month.
I thought short asians scared me, however seeing my first tall asian I'm terrified.
Package from mother. Contents: Cookies, my old pokemon cards, and condoms. Note: "These have a July 2010 expiration date so give them away or use them with a gal that would be a great daughter in law. Love Mom" Love you too momma
You know your in for a great weekend when you buy the booze already in crutches
I am currently explaining what double penetration is to the bridesmaid I hooked up with at my cousin's wedding. This is my life.
He was like an artic tracker. Walked ten paces from the tree, then 15 paces from the mailbox, dug down in the snow, and pulled up the case of beer he hid from his parents out there. It tasted like ice cold success.
No more drinking with Em. She was on the ground so much she looked like she belongs in a lifealert commercial
You have all been randomly chosen to participate in a new game called: how high was I? If you have any information about this or about where my clothing items went give me a shout. Thanks an good luck.
College is a time for personal growth. Meaning it's time to start using those pickup lines on randos at dive bars.
i'm teaching a bunch of people how to grow weed over snapchat. no shame.
Was he good-huge or like "what the fuck do i do with this"-huge
the first cop to show up was this girl who hooked up with our home ec teacher in high school, she knows about questionable decisions
Apparently I offered the cop my Taco Bell.
Desperate times...
I just wanted to personally thank you for throwing clementine slivers at me across the room while we made out
Randomize
