I mean I can't believe yesterday ended w/ your house getting firebombed. What an unexpected turn of events
Thanks again for letting me crash last nite. Sorry I banged your little brother.
The vodka told me to go iceskating on my frozen pool. I may have attempted.
Would you get mad if I held a "how many dick pics can you get in one night" competition with my friend?
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
I've never been more scared for my virginity in my life. And I lost my virginity almost 6 years ago.
Batteries died. I don't care that you're studying for the bar. Come over. Bring the law books and study after. I'll even make coffee.
All I know is when I checked my phone this morning google translate was open with "help the cow ate my robot" translated to French
Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
I didn't have time to wash my hair yesterday. Ended up spraying some Febreeze on it.
Is there a tactful way to ask "how are your balls?" Or do I just ask point blank
well, you know. whores of a feather.
I know you just got bad medical news... But want some moonshine?
I made him fuck me while wearing a Thor helmat from Walmart. Geek sex is the best sex
Ran into my FWB on my walk of shame and went back to her place. Even my walk of shames are awesome!!!
Randomize
