there was a 40 knocked over. chips and salsa all over the floor. and she was in her thong doing boot camp on demand in the middle of the room..
My phone really needs to stop auto correcting "library" to "ovary".
No more fucking baseball tools. Walk-of-shamed home in only a pinstriped jersey and a Red Sox SnapBack.
I need to have some sort of hot sex experience in a mask.
For every drunk face picture you send me, I'm gonna send a wholesome family photo.
I just realized, I'm going to be on my period for the end of the world. FUCK.
Done deal I'm dying it right at this moment. I'll need a red Speedo and a half shirt that is extremely tight. Like nipple tight.
Yeah, you gave me a condom that I 100% coulda used, then an hour later you basically beat the shit out of me and physically took it from my pocket.
so I guess I made a note in my phone last night to remind myself not to do shrooms on the cruise ship
It's 1:26 and I have already found 5 fruit flies between 3 separate glasses of wine. This is supposed to be a summer problem. Fucking global warming.
I mean I just feel if I'm not being fat and lazy then I'm not really being myself
May I make reservations with your penis for this evening?
The next time you invite me out to a bar full of cougars warn me first. I never felt like a piece of meat before.
You cuddled up under the blanket because you said it smelled like Santa and vodka.
Just so you know, I choose to answer your bootytext tonight because it was the most creative.
Randomize
