"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
And we will make penis cookies and eat them suggestively
So we are lighting beer bottles on fire and breaking them in half to make glasses
That sounds dangerous
Don't worry......were wearing oven mits.
I'm buying eyelash glue, salt, and limes. We know how tonight is ending.
Just met me in 10 years...this lady keeps an emergency wine cooler in her bag
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
I was trying to climb into what I thought was a bunk bed.. Turns out it was just a cabinet under the sink in a bathroom
I slipped on a piece of pizza last night and when the bouncer helped me up I told him the garbage can pushed me.
i keep seeing little orange spots im starting to freak out
you tried mixing adderall in your visine last night..
I thought my life was going to shit but then I read about Amanda Bynes and I realize it's not so bad
That's a lot of judgement coming from a man wearing a dress made from a bedsheet.
There's nothing like when u really click with a stripper
We need to move to a different bar soon. When we're standing on the patio, and every guy around us has seen us naked...there's a problem
I know this shouldnt be a problem, but there are too many women hitting on me. I dont know what to do
Randomize
