I hate cats. They're so curious, it's not their damn business.
I'm so high I used the top vent on my dashboard to heat up a cheeseburger
You tired to make Beefaroni in the Mr. Coffee machine.
I told him I don't date guys unless they play a musical instrument. So, he's here and he brought a kazoo.
I'm not upset because i like you. I'm upset because I can't use you for the sex anymore.
Tell me you didn't have sex with my dad.
I'm sorry I did drugs then got really loud and bitchy at your party and judged your choice in one night stands.
She just drunkenly falls over and yells " I lost my footing!" in a british accent and then proceeds to run into the wall... did you spike her water?
You get home okay?
I'm pantless and in bed
That doesn't mean you're at home.
i thought you were just a really comfy body pillow until i sobered up. oops.
I just spilled my beer on a five year old. She's crying but I can promise you I'm more upset.
I told him I'd ride his broomstick if he let me call him Harry Potter and drew a lightning bolt on his forehead.
Like why am I even still facebook friends with a guy I let finger me at a concert?
When's the last time you had sex near some ducks?
I left the party 20 min ago..just thought i would tell you so you wouldnt think i fell in the lake again
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