She can't keep using her latex allergy as an excuse to go bareback with everyone.
okay I may or may not have wrapped my body pillow up in your t-shirt and sprayed it with your axe and am now spooning with it.
again? I'm starting to get a little creeped out now.
my debit card account is gonna say movie, movie, ice cream, movie, cheese fries, get a fucking life, movie
I'm just gonna go nail your roommate after we break up anyway.
He insisted that I looked like Kiefer Sutherland, told me he didn't know what to do about it, then hugged me awkwardly.
Ive made peace with the fact that i will accomplish nothing except liver damage today
I can't remember where my feet are. All I can see are colors, and all I can feel is terror. The lollipop was a bad idea.
I'm going for high school drunk, you've got 15 minutes to get here.
usual friday morning routine. the pants i wore last night are in my passenger seat and im rooting through the pockets trying to make exact change at the dunkin donuts drive thru
If you die first, I'm going to sleep with a pallbearer at your funeral.
At one point during xmas dinner my whole family was double fisting. It was like thats how I learned to drink moment
After last night I think its official. Deep down, we like alcohol more than we like women.
Doing laundry. My jeans from last night smell like chicken wings and motor oil.
I just got offered money for pictures of my boobs
I accepted the offer
On a scale of 0 to Thanksgiving, there is no amount of food that fights against tequila.
Randomize
