he asked me if i "normally slept like that" because i was curled up in a ball facing the wall. then he told me that i woke up in the middle of the night and said "oh my god. i forgot you were here." how did he not understand that i didn't want him in my bed.
YOU GOT KICKED OUT OF FIVE GUYS LAST NIGHT FOR THROWING PEANUTS AT THE PEOPLE WHO WORK THERE?!
correction: escorted out
Pretty sure I'm going to hell because of our friendship
Last one there wins
The cop used the word "belligerent" 16 times in the report. You get to bail him this time. I'm not up for it.
He told me the hickey on the side if his neck was actually a "bruise" from hitting a bird on his motorcycle. I'm not sure what's more impressive, the fact people believed him due to the size of the mark or the fact you gave it to him.
He went to 7/11 first and came back with condoms and a banana "in case we get hungry"
I have 13 missed calls from when I slept outside on some rocks
lesbians are really intense tho, she made me take her eye makeup off and told me she was going to eat me for breakfast
Just found the measuring tape in my bathroom. How drunk could I have possibly been on Saturday?!
I need to hire someone full-time to slap food and dick away from me.
His cat just sat there and simultaneously bobbed his head up and down while I blew him
I believe you can. But if you can have rum with breakfast then do that. Definitely do that.
sitting in the prison waiting room in my boyfriends clothes. looooong story.
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im just letting you know I walked in on you with four different guys last night. a. you were all naked. b. they're all roommates
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