Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
i can't watch a movie tonight dude, im smoking weed
you smoke with your eyes?
You're not required to sleep with every guy that spends $10 on you.
Grilled cheese and whiskey for lunch is why i should NEVER be a housewife.
So essentially hes paying me $150k/year for the rest of his career to not have sex
SERIOUSLY? WTF! why cant I find a super hot, super gay, super conservative christian NFL player in need of a beard?
I actually cannot wait for your visit. I miss people who make me look like the virgin mary in comparison.
We're going to work out tomorrow I guess but it usually consists of doing weights for 10 minutes, then saying fuck cardio and going to Taco Tuesday
FYI you are now my emergency contact at plan parenthood
Tell me how you feel about belly buttons
I'm crying and shaving my Bronco playoff beard
Did you just tell me you watch cartoon porn because it's more real?
Just so you know in the morning, yes you did send your bartender a snap of your boobs. No I didn't try to stop you because you used sound logic for doing so.
...I watched him run on the beach yesterday and I think I started ovulating
I just left and he walked me out and went call me if you're ever... Eh... Whatever. And walked away.
Do you know who these girls are? They're baking a cake, making chicken enchiladas, and bringing me beer everytime I finish one.
Randomize
