found: crazy homeless guy quoting Quagmire lines to every chick he sees. i think i win the scavenger hunt.
My landlord doesn't knock anymore when he shows the apt... So i just had sex in front of a family.
didn't stop?
naw, they were rude, not me.
why is there a sandwich nailed to the wall
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
From now on, just let me go home. I'm tired of hooking up with your roommates... Including you.
Washing the last semen-stained shirt you have really solidifies a breakup. It just got real.
And now that i don't feel so bad because you're not pregnant the $15 for the pregnancy test I bought would be appreciated
Life is so much better when you know you're gonna get laid soon.
i don't even remember going to get food. i think i got gas too.
Well regardless of where or with who you will be blacking out and i will be pouring shots down ur throat like a baby bird
There are several different types of life sentences in my purse right now.
Yeah but I get laid and I know. He drank toilet water last night and he doesn't know about that either. Still makes me happy though.
I bought something for you today. You'll love it.
What is it? Drugs?
My favorite thing about your netflix account "suggestions for you" section: Russias Toughest Prisons is followed immediately by Strange Sex
When God was sprinkling self control to everybody, he ran out and was like ehhhh she'll make it!
Randomize
