im so horny i just used my electric toothbrush to masturbate. god help me
So I just watched the Lakers/Magic game so I could have something to talk about with him after we have sex this time
Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
i wish i could post a picture of his odd shaped penis on facebook and label it "wtf???"
I actually want to hang out with her with our clothes on. That's a big step up for me.
I think there's a website warning girls about me based on the 4 who approached me separately tonight and called me evil. Fuckyoudave.com?
How many strippers in the world do you think have had a debate with someone about the NRA?
Dear me: Drinking & crying tonight, my place, 9pm sharp. Love, your life
I was carrying around a bottle of Jameson yelling rescue me
We really shouldn't need this many nicknames for the women you've had sex with.
god dammit I AM NO LONGER PUTTING UP WITH YOUR HETEROSEXUALITY I QUIT
Why is our fridge full of girl scout cookies and rum?
You told me to go grocery shopping.
You seem to be avoiding the poop question. How did you poop on your hand?
I didnt know whether I was going to vomit or orgasm because I was feeling both sensations
She grabbed a $20 bill out of my hand, calling it a lap dance coupon and then she dragged me into her bedroom. I think I’m in love
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