The guy dancing on me has three visible teeth. WHERE ARE YOU?
she thought Martin Luther king was a president at one time. I love knowing I broke up with my ex and this is what he ends up dating.
he then proceeded to tear down my curtains, wrap them around his waist, and use the rod as his "rod"... you tell me how drunk he is...
Note to self: Don't teach the naked lap rule in beer pong until after youve made a cup..
It's not quite a landing strip... It's more like a soul patch for my vagina.
He's drinking 50/50 vodka/water out of a camelback. Disaster would be a compliment at this point.
You know you need to take better care of yourself when shaving reminds you of sheep shearing...
I feel like passing out with my foot on your face has bonded us at a very fundamental level.
I wanna fuck that hideous moustache right off your face. get the confetti ready for the festivities
I was riding him and in the middle he literally said "fuck yeah, Amy Winehouse"
gonna guess the empty vodka bottle and open can of tuna in the bathroom drawer are related?
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
I am literally watching TV with sunglasses on because the brightness hurts my hangover
I really need to stop turning to the BDSM dungeon masters of tinder whenever my heart hurts
The amount of illegal things I've done this weekend is astounding.
Randomize
