Weirdest conversation with my dad. He just told me he didn't shave his pubes.
he took off my shirt and said 'oh my god the legends are true'
Im at the hospital with monitors on and a giant green top hat. i blew a 24somethin. Im fucked.
Dude..masurbate with cocoa butter lotion..its like cocoa pebbles just gave me a hand job
i found the one person in the world who takes longer to cum than i do... mutual dissatisfaction is probably not the best foundation for a relationship.
I think I told some stripper my friend owned Groupon Last night
You just kept holding your breath for a really long time and calling it lung excersizes.
Yeah then she waddled like a duck in silence sat down and ate the entire paper towel roll.
Aaaand the winner of the worst decision of Sunday night goes to me as I pull up to his house in my lingerie.
You mistakenly try to piss in a cactus bush ONE TIME and are forever dubbed cactus ass
Just sitting in the tub googling "how to remove sharpie from skin". You?
I support your vibrator fueled lifestyle.
I woke up naked and alone this morning. What a life
Does this cleavage amount say, “Fuck it, I’m over dating, let’s just fuck?”
Please tell me why I’m standing naked in the kitchen drinking pickle juice out of the jar & there is a container of potatoe salad with no lid & a spoon in it on the floor 🤦♀️
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