I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
Tie
she's walking around the room telling people she can make the room move with her mind and then she shakes her head really fast yelling 'see?!'
chasing shots of tequilla with sun chips. its doable but not recommended
Sitting next to a retarded hot married man on the plane, I got 6.5 hrs to homewreck this shit.
Transgendered man at work dawning a slutty batman costume. I hate Halloween
Let me begin my 3 part apology by saying that you are a wonderful human being...
He has pizza coupons and a hammer next to his toilet.
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
Did he ask you why you were in his back yard Sunday night?
All right, sex is off the menu for you. Now you just get friendship. So I can spend marginally less time being annoyed by you.
I'm ordering dildos in a santa hat. You?
I got a snap of someone jumping off a light pole. Was that you? Please confirm or deny. #onWisconsin
I fucked R2D2 last night. I consider Star Wars day a success.
My last memory of last night was being in a laundry room doing blow and admiring a washer and dryer... I think that's the earmark of old age
Honestly, this social distancing bullshit is giving me a good excuse for drinking alone.
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