Dear tim. Christina farted and it smells like kid roses.
Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
It was amazing what she could do with her one good arm.
i have this theory that all the people in the world who dont like mayonnaise had very bad encounter with jizz once
we're on our way back. she tried to pants the waiter again.
there are ass prints on the hood of my car.
I just bought the ATT family protection plan so that I could block all of my old bar hookups from booty calling me...
Are we hungover?
I got a lapdance from a gay guy in red uggs and spandex shorts with reindeer antlers on. And I don't remember it. Hungover does not even cover it.
Dude. There's gotta be an article in Cosmo about it cause I've had three different girls tongue tickle my brownie this month.
library dates and plan B? He is looking like a great catch.
She just spat tequila at me... Like a fountain... A broken fountain
I keep shaking cocoa puffs out of my hair. Best Sunday Funday ever.
And I'm only telling you that because I really wanted to use 'my boyfriend' and 'dick biscuit' in the same sentence.
Do him. As soon as possible and as often as possible. That's what Oprah would say
I just learned that I could drop out of school and spend the rest of my savings on a giraffe are you free this weekend
Randomize
