So drunk its hurt
At a strip club after monster truck rally. You should be here
dude, im still at the bar with two chics... one has a moustache ill save that one for you... be home in 20min..
the drag queen on stage looks like shes wearing the EXACT same dress i wore 2 senior prom.
Thats how high i was. The fact that he looked like Seth Rogan was apparently a good thing.
She gave me head because I gave her my pack of cigarettes...And you said quitting would be hard.
It was one of those you-have-no-other-way-home-and-we-already-made-out-so-I-guess-youre-coming-home-with-me-if-you-promise-to-leave-early kind of deals.
Let me clarify that those tears were for losing my fuck buddy and his penis, not to the fact that he decided he wanted an actual relationship with feelings.
Hi this is the guy from the cell phone store. Your Dad just upgraded your phone as a surprise. I didn't tell him about your topless pics on your phone. I transfered them to new phone. Nice rack!
Now some guy that's in my phone as " Alex lip ring hot" is texting me and I don't where life is taking me
There's just something so liberating about drinking a beer with no pants on
Did you really just reference your penis in a pep talk? I think I may love you more now.
You know, you could always move. Lol somewhere without gators, water moccasins, and Marco Rubio.
woke up this morning to a baggy full of adderall and two redbulls..i'm gonna marry this guy one day
Im riding the bus with beer in one hand and chapagne in the other. I love weddings.
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