first i yelled "you cant get it up?" and then in the middle of it i opened a Corona
but there are maragaritas for $3 so that was all i needed to hear
he just told me i make him happier than drugs. that's some serious shit right there
he actually said the words "do you want to pet the lizard?" with a straight face as he unzipped his pants
Quick question: how long can sperm live in a rug?
Nope we're in the ER. He lit himself on fire trying to impress another girl with magic tricks.
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
You're just horny.
Yea, and? I appreciate you as a person too if that helps.
Dude. When are you coming home? I'm laying in bed watching the Grinch and trying to pet a cat that I'm not even sure exists.
Chose not to courtesy flush and the CEO huffed the result. I feel powerful.
I'm trying to get WebMD to diagnose me with a hangover
Somehow I ended up in a different costume dancing with some tree of a guy in the basement bathroom, what did you give me?
I just masturbated in the tanning bed stoned. Best decision of my life
To be fair, this is a tequila-while-rewatching-Benedict-Cumberbatch-as-Van-Gogh idea, so I don't know if it will hold up tomorrow.
Randomize
