I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
Her best friend sent her a random hate text and the song they played at her father's funeral came on the radio. I just got cock blocked by the universe
Wow, haven't had to deal with the 'stoned at the dinner table' scenario in a while
I keep forgetting that I only have two nostrils.
There are 3 pics of me on my camera, naked, wearing only an apron, scooping ice cream.
If I refrain from fucking my manager, I'm going to reward myself by fucking that guy from the photo department.
all I know is I'm really rwfly really really stoned and a bunch of Korean people are yelling at me
She just threw the soap bottle at me from the ladie's room and keeps asking me when we left the bar and got on the boat.
Tomorrow is Have Sex and Climb A Mountain Day. We have amazing dates.
Neil John just started open mouth kissing everyone to make sure they are safe.
I woke up in a trash can. Please dude. I don't know what I did to you last night, but I'm sorry. Epically sorry. Please call me back. Please.
Nothing shouts "I'm single" like a thousand needlepoint pillows.
I woke up in a stranger's bed wearing nothing but santa socks.
How hard do you think it would be to make a drinking game out of a Slip-N-Slide? Asking for a friend.
If I stopped drinking I'd have to take up murdering.
Randomize
