Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
For the millionth time in his career, Brett Favre has screwed over the Vikings
im dirt poor will suck dick for halloween costume
I just finished washing your number off of my chest. I'm Bryan by the way.
Just spent the last of my lifesavings on (what i hope is enough of) alcohol. Hello summer.
we were totes just talking about. huu in the bathbub. 5 girlszzz
She only spoke Russian, but she was so gorgeous it didn't matter
Oh. I think she ate all the cake and took our vodka...still gorgeous.
How much more is Amanda Bynes going to rip out our hearts?!?!?
Is the Chairman of the College Republicans throwing upon your toilet right now? 'Murica!
Side note, from now on any snap chat I get that isn't interesting enough... Is getting a dick in response. Judge your snaps accordingly
my mom snuck into my room, washed her clothes and made her breakfast. what the fuck she's a better boyfriend than I am
I feel like I shouldn't be encouraging my friends to hook up with their teachers.....but if it's for academic reasons....then I definitely encourage it.
I can't talk, I can't walk, I think I'm twitching and I'm not even sure if I'm typing this. Help
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
She picked a quarter off the floor, kissed it "for luck" and won the $20,000 jackpot. She bought dinner and stayed sober to drive us home. This is a typical example of a visit with my sister.
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