I puked the same amount of times as the number of bars i went to last night
I was actually kinda bummed my STD test came back negative.
That would have been proof he'd slept with the stripper. Lame.
I should just throw a hundred dollar bill into the wind and walk away... save myself the hangover.
He's reached the drunk point where he's trying to convince the family to buy falcons as pets. Can't wait to see how my steak turns out
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
Just so you know, if you are not feeling well today it's cause you drank a gatorade bottle full of highlighter fluid.
No, she isn't nearly as crazy as the girl who wanted to wear a vial of my semen as a necklace.
Want to come over? I'm getting stoned and watching Netflix and making s'mores over a candle in my room
drinking vodka, listening 2 smh at 530am slow cooking beef stew. you'll enjoy the stew and worry abt me in the morning. bon apatite
It's 3 am and I'm buying cat food and batteries for my vibrator. Good thing I shaved my legs for this.
The last thing I remember is goading each other into a vodka-chugging competition.
But don't thank me for faking being asleep, if I was the real wing man, I would have left the bed
PS- My flight is being emergency landed bc someone smuggled cats on the plane.
So this is how i'm celebrating Easter? By eating chicken nuggets and masturbating all day. What a life.
There's a bull to ride and dancing on the bar is encouraged. This is my heaven. And this is why god made leopard tube tops.
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