Most fantastic sex ever until her Doberman took an interest in what we were doing. There was nothing more terrifying then feeling warm dog breath on my ballsack.
We banged through her entire lady gaga playlist. I can die happy now
If you bring me a slurpee and advil I will eat you out for like an hour.
I just want you to know that we eye fucked the shit out of someone who just got drafted
Going through my purse trying to find money for this cab but all I keep pulling out if chicken from my burrito o ate an hour ago. Help?
Right but I don't wanna waste the whole weekend not having sex when we could be having sex
Just your daily reminder that we're terrible people: the average number of men a woman sleeps with in their lifetime is 4
WTF YOU SHOULDNT BREAK A SWEAT TAKING A SHIT. MY BODY HATES ME.
You were, but he disappeared after you said you wanted him to get you pregnant so you'd have a child by the time the Boy Meets World sequel starts
I just sang beautiful by Christina Aguilera to a kebab. This is what my life has come to.
I just spilled my beer on a five year old. She's crying but I can promise you I'm more upset.
I'm all set for mothers day, I let her beat me in beer pong.
I lost Mario kart three times but I got laid so it wasn't the WORST night I've ever had.
I told him I just left the convent and really wanted a man. He fell for it. Sure beats telling him I'm a nympho stalker that followed him to the bar when I saw his beard.
Don't do tequila. The Devil himself spits into shot glasses and we call it tequila. You will do bad things.
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