It took him longer to undo my bra than he lasted..
I just came to the conclusion that the most depressing part of my day is when I have to put clothes on.
and yes, the jail cell in Citi Field does have a big Mets symbol in it
you know u lost to a carboard cut out of sammy sosa in beer pong last night.
she got into med school, i feel dumb for banging her dance major friend
This theraflu would make for a great margarita.
I can make a sudafedarita
I was just stopped at a stop sign waiting for the moon to turn green.
I wanna throw up and cum in that order
You call it a hangover, I call it a baby squirrel burrowing its way out of my head.
He invited me over for shower sex and pizza. Officially the best booty call relationship around.
I think I hit my head on every surface in that apartment last night
I danced with a french guy who licked the sweat off my neck and poured a drink on me. Not gonna lie, that shit was refreshing
We just had sex in the shed while having a conversation about cheeseburgers...so that's how my day is going
He walked into the bar with a pineapple and they served him AND the pineapple
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
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