I'm 3 blocks south of you watching drag queens.
my facebook friend requests are always from girls of boyfriends i have fucked, facebook is the worst reminder of shame
I just puked in a penis shaped cake pan. I've hit an all new low for a Tuesday.
I popped a zit on your vagina. Don't say I never loved you.
The pregnant Hooters waitress told me to "make good choices".
He did the "not my house dance." Apparently it involves spreading cereal on the floor and then grinding into the carpet in bare feet while singing "not my house" over and over and dancing.
She has an emergency bra in her purse. I'm gonna check no on the 'introducing her to my new boyfriend' box.
just let her blow you already, it's practically animal cruelty at this point.
I was just told that i'm a premature cuddler. . . What does that even mean?
Whatever it is you failed
You were walking around in your swim suit, an open robe, snow boots and a death grip on that handel of captain morgan.
Having a man strip on demand was an awesome way to start birthday. What more could a girl ask for? U the best!
I need to hump something and I know u understand.
I've found a new low. I was climb-on-the-bar-piano drunk.
He fed me jello shota while i was sitting on the toilet and then he peed in the shower
You know it's bad when I'm eating a cold chicken breast alone in bed 😕
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