hey call me
can't. in the shower.
... and this is probably why your phone does not work half the time.
The worst part was when my mom got more drunk than anyone else and started doing the Time Warp.
hahaha! you have a girlfriend
tell that to the new girl at work who i screwed on the washing machine today...
In hindsight buying the pill crusher with my vicodin prescription might have been too much.
I have to think about this realistically and not with my vagina.
I don't understand how she could dump me AFTER we had shower sex. I'm fucking great at shower sex
I can now tell my grandchildren Central Park has really great spots for quickies...
He said he actually "met" me for the first time through a picture his housemate had of me, drunk and passed out in a pool of my own vomit, on the floor of his basement.
When do you sleep by the way. I was surprised when I went to work at 1 am,left at 7 am and had a text from you somewhere in between
I just vodka nap now...
I'm out of prison. Wanna start a band?
where did we go last night? there's dollar bills all over my room & they're all wet.
Currently rolling a blunt in the bathroom of Planned Parenthood
It began the way the best stories do—with some naïve jackasses in a place they had no business being at.
They already have a joint checking account. She's got his balls in her purse! What's next, a shared Facebook account?
I just want you to know that watching you throw up out of a cab in the McDonald's drive thru was probably the highlight of my night.
Randomize
