Taking shots out of pine wood derby trophiesssssss. best idea ever.
please tell me i can get drunk off sparkling grape juice. even if you have to lie, please say yes.
I walked into my room to see them crying, watching hey arnold, and passing a franzia box back and forth...
The best part of that night wasn't even the sex, it was listening to her explain to her boyfriend why she was naked in her room while I hid in her closet.
I can't let him end my perfect streak. HE USED TO BE FAT
I don't know how we managed to stay up but we actually sat in front of her open refrigerator for god knows how long while she ate salami straight out of the package with her fingers and I laughed. It was a trainwreck.
I have a taco in my pocket for later because I am a practical drunk
I just gave parenting advice and had a discussion about the distribution of wealth in america...in a bar. I'm starting to think its me and not you lol
literally just tried sending to someone a video of me jerkin but my phone was connected to Apple TV and it literally just played on the tv in a full room and I'm actually about to shit myself
My liver is whispering mean things about me to my kidneys. It's a fucking miracle I'm not hungover. Lol
Don't act like you're a victim to marijuana
He showed up to a booty call with 2 tea bags, but no condom...
At least get laid and waffle fries out of it you whipped basterd
I think I fell asleep on my pizza last night. Damn, I am sauccccy.
How early is too early to start day drinking? Asking for a friend
About five minutes ago. You’re good now.
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