if you don't open the door right now liz is going to get pregnant
i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
The best was having to tell my 16y/o cuz and her bf that we could see him fingering her in the inner tube. Lucky for them, I'm the cool cousin... and was river-level fuckedup.
Hairspray is covering 85% of my body. Help.
Wait until you see the roof.
While at warped tour today a girl was crowd surfing and her vagina landed in my face, I call that a successfull day.
Before I left he asked me if I could submit my panties for the frat house undergarment chandelier. I said yes
he told me he didn't know whether he was gonna puke, pass out, or cum. i don't know if i should be flattered or offended.
His cuteness will no longer contol my vagina
Well I just walked into a wedding reception and im currently eating a cannoli in the men's room while pissing
My New Years Resolution is to get everyone to start talking like a 40 year old douchebag. From now on, you will only refer to me as Chief.
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
I woke up at like 4 am with an old Korean woman cuddling me. I assure you she was not there when I went to sleep.
We literally solved our fight using cat pictures on Instagram. True love.
Apparently I was telling them, "I AM A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN AND I DON'T NEED YOU TO HOLD MY HAIR," and I pulled my hair back and puked.
I'm giving drunk me full control of my body for the next few days. Please don't let me die.
Randomize
