How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
You passed out in my bathroom last night. I put a towel over your face so I could shit without it being gay
I'm naked and wearing a cowbell.i love med school.
I just baptized the girl next to me. LONG LIVE THE CHURCH OF VODKA
I was so high I told him we should rub faces and pretend to be wombats. He was surprisingly enthusiastic about it.
Putting all my energy Into finding a polite way to ask my mailman to fuck me in his car.
He rolled up to the party in an ice cream truck. He was definitely my first priority
i ended up eating cold sauceless spaghetti out of the container in the fridge with my hands.
WAKE UP!!! We have 20 minutes to get to class. That means we only have 10 minutes to get drunk.
I be dancing. See you soon. You can drink tequila from my pants.
What do you take me for? I'm not trying to lure you into bed with stories of my dead aunt.
Yeah. That's the shitty part. God, I don't want to be a step mom. Sure I'm great with kids, but I just want unlimited sex and not have to worry about making friends with a fucking 7 year old.
If you feel frisky later I have a cowboy hat that would look great on you naked...
Who is this......
I'm like a bad decision making factory. I need to sit down and have a chat with my decision making elves.
why is half of my head shaved?
Randomize
