You're going to have to start masturbating with your left hand. Or with someone's vagina
I think, one-on-one, Paul Rudd could be very threatening in like a REALLY good way.
Girls are like M&M's, once the lights go out you can't tell the difference.
as if moving home wasnt embarassing enough, mom picked up my laundry while i was gone. guess who needs to find a new hiding spot for his cum towel..this guy.
Forgot to mention there might be a picture of me being thrown in the air while at a Mexican restaurant
Saw someone get laid in the bathroom no one was wearing shoes and I had a parrot on my shoulder...I never want to leave this bar
This is what my life has come to. Like, I may or may not have just stolen pizza from the guy I just hooked up with's fridge when I left...
Why did you just send me a picture of your dinner?
CAUSE LOOK HOW MUCH SPAGHETTI I'M EATING
Also I'm eating leftovers with a pair of bullet removal forceps (unused) because I don't have a fork.
I just want a boyfriend who will have sex to Disney Pandora.
His flight was delayed by two hours though. I just got cock-blocked by clouds :(
"he sent me a picture of a puppy in return for a picture of my boobs. He then captioned it with "look it's puppies first time at the beach". "
I NEED TO TAKE A FUCKING BREAK. MY VAGINA IS SMOKING.
i was watching the elves fighting on my knees while waiting for the shrooms to kick in then i realized
You peed on a flamingo?!?
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