My parents showed me my IQ test from fourth grade, I'm shitting on my potential.
He told me he wanted to break up so he could get "closer to God."
Does God suck his dick?
Apparently I took one a huge picture off the wall at the bar and was walking around dancing with it..
Then again, I'm single and napping with a stuffed yoda doll...so I'm not the world's authority on shit.
I've thrown up in front of nearly every customer we've had today.
You don't know how badly I want to just hold you as a soup spoon holds a bisque
The dog just shocked himself by peeing on Christmas lights, should I have saw that coming?
Sending dick pics while driving a car going 80 in the rain at night to a married woman? Why hello 2014
I've never been so tempted to check my phone during sex in my life.
It was bitter sweet because I woke him up with sex but then I peed in his bed with him in it
I love you as a roommate, but you GOTTA start using the door dude..
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
she threw up on her exam, awkwardly wiped it off with her sleeve and continued writing.
He kept saying "i'm lost" while he was sitting on his couch...
The report specifies "melted cheese food" as the cause of the burns. Your pride, like your cock, isn't getting out of this without heavy damage.
Randomize
