Seriously, I'd take them all over any of the milfs here...and you know how much that means coming from me
There were 3 chicks in my bed I didn't know when I got home. Now I know all of them. Biblically.
woke up this morning with a pool of champagne in my purse. apparently i was saving it for later.
just saw a girl with a lower back tattoo of the boondock saints prayer.. i will marry her
Already tried, she's too smart for that. I need a Primos "Do your wife in the butt" lure/call to trick her into wanting it
I just claimed my unemployment in Vegas. This seems wrong.
Do you ever wonder what the men who we shamelessly objectify would think if they saw our texts in regard to them?
After we drank 3, we built a raft out of the empties and installed the fourth submerged In the water to keep it cool. Keg boats are now a thing
No cash. I had to buy four bowls of soup to meet the credit card limit. I'm not even upset. SO MUCH SOUP.
How was the party last night?
I'm dangerously close to shitting myself.
does the cute hipster in the kitchen belong to you?
if not i want to bang those glasses off his face
My legs feel like baby dolphins
Like these jerks could have told me it wasn't a video call, I wouldn't have put on pants.
I'm recreating the you're a wizard harry video with a guy on snapchat whilst having snapchat sex with another... Adulting is fun
Are you drinking tequila at 1pm? ...at Disneyland?
Randomize
