She was wasted. Kept yelling "what if I'm pregnant" and trying to push me into the tree. First and last time I bring a girl to my family christmas party.
I just woke up in a puddle of boob sweat. Definitely time to consider a reduction.
my fraternity brothers just had an intervention for me. i either have a problem or am just on some next-level shit, im gonna go with door number 2
I don't think he realizes it but he was stroking the faucet while he was talking to me.
I just had a flashback of 4:30am: me hugging the toilet bowl and you handing me a jar of pickles to open. There is something seriously wrong with us.
I wonder what acid is like for a blind person... Can we find this out?
Kid got laid mid-party wearin a fuzzy hat with ears and 40's taped to his bear paws... wtf
Two cats fucking in the middle of the street. I sat there and watched in my car because I didn't want to cock block the male by honkin my horn.
Hey nothing wrong with those! I can't believe the guys who let me see where they live on first dates. Even more surprising, I don't stalk them after they've done me wrong.
I'm going to three dry weddings this month. I'm flashing three dry weddings this month
You then played what you called "a smooth jazz rendition of talk dirty to me" all thrusting your crotch at the bartender. Mom looked horrified, but my dad couldn't stop laughing
I'm ordering dildos in a santa hat. You?
Appreciate the offer but I'm a huge fan of penis
CUT OFF ALL YOUR HAIR COME ON MAN LET'S DO THIS
I am real keen for none of this to be taken out of context so let’s just shut it down right now
Randomize
