just walked by a lingerie store, the sign out front, "Specials for Father's Day", in no way is that just not wrong.
why is it impossible to run with a back pack without looking like a giant d-bag?
haha... you gave me a great visual of you in high white socks running with a backpack with eye of the tiger playing in the background
that only happened once.
Every time he makes fun of me for anything I just remind myself he ate ice cream out of a strippers vagina
Now that I'm the boss, there's nobody to yell at me for smelling like a bar in the morning.
strippers are much less mysterious after you sleep with them
Hey I think I found part of your tooth next to your wine bottle in the floor board of my car.
Okay. I really need to get out of this guys bed and get home. It's two in the afternoon. He's not even HERE.
It was so cute that he apologized for getting cum on my couch. If he realized how many guys had cum on that couch in the past year, he wouldn't have touched my vagina with a 10-ft pole.
Wanna play whack-a-mole in my pants?
Your word choices worry me.
I have the relationship skills of Miley Cyrus and I could've said this was a bad idea
I woke up to a shattered My Little Pony garbage pail, a black eye I don't know how I got and no one will look me in the face. Fuck tequila.
you can't tell me not to come to work cause roads are bad then ask me an hour later to come in and expect me to be sober
I just got a free round of shots. Don't you DARE fuckin tell me that A-cup boobs can't get you good things.
I have bits of ceiling fan all over now
Ick. That's not even the fun kind of punishment.
Randomize
