i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
Weirdest conversation with my dad. He just told me he didn't shave his pubes.
I have come to the conclusion that if you don't fulfill your life ambitions you should go into porn
At the drs she looked at my back saw your scratch marks and asked "does your back itch a lot?"
Looking through my moms phone and find a pic if a dick. Scarred for life.
He told me he needed "space" but then goes and likes my insta of panacakes.. Done.
pls come over. need ride to hospital once taquitos are ready
So red wine goes with eggs, right? Because that's all I have in the house to cook and the drinking options are either wine or scotch
I got to walk around for eight hours wearing power armor and acting camp. No way I wouldn't love it.
He sends me the same inspirational quote quotos that my grandma does. I no longer want to tap that.
i think the people from taco bell are onto us. they had my order ready today at 3am BEFORE I even got there.
I'm writing to thank you for your never ending commitment to my orgasms and also to apologize if any physical harm was done due to your impressive efforts. Hopefully the sex and post sex pizza made up for it.
Didn't think I'd be dancing with the Power Rangers but here I am
It's taking all of my will power not to chug this margarita. This must be the life of an adult...
Thanks for not letting me choke to death on my vomit last night
Thank you for attempting to organize my DVDs in chronological and alphbetical order
Randomize
