did i really try to jack off an athens police horse last night? please tell me youre kidding..
If I die and they 'assume' it's natural causes, just go with it.
he came within less than a minute of me blowing him. this was our second night hanging out in a row. for an almost 30 year old italian man, he is NOT living up to his country's reputation
Also, ran into my neighbor across the street. He told me about scheduling his vasectomy. We are officially way beyond the acceptable point for asking his name again.
When the question of, do you know who's ass has been on the cake you are eating is said... Good or bad party?
No more cocaine. I spent two hours in my bathroom convincing myself I was ugly. Is this what a period feels like?
You're the worst gay friend ever.
She acts like a 3 year old but with fantastic tits. This girl is the reason women are objectified
His penis smells like laundry I just wanted to cuddle it
You forgot the part where I played Slip and Slide with my own puke and fucked up my knee.
just remember the most important rule of taking psychedelics: monsters can't get through blankets
You had sex with a kid to spare him the shame of being a virgin. Evidence is on my side.
I've got a bottle of water, a bag of salad greens, and a bottle of hot sauce. How stoned do you think I am?
Ever look at an ex and wonder...was I drunk that entire relationship??
Yes, yes I do.
I always know im high when I can't remember how to pee.
I pointed at him and said “there goes mr fuckwad”
Randomize
