I don't want to talk about it. He was like the Little Engine that couldn't get me off.
I didn't cheat on him. Cheating means finding out. I made sure he was at work first. After the guy left I got shitfaced just so nothing seemed out of the ordinary when he came home.
Why do I always give away anal sex as birthday presents?
Shut up... one mans birthday cake is another mans sodomy my friend
Why the fuck is BBQ sauce coming out of my shower head?
you handed the cop a condom last night and said "it's all about protect and serve right?"
He picked me up for our 1st date and saw my roommate crying on the floor Fabreesing her vagina...
Even though we had just had to physically take her off of someones lawn she was peeing on when they came outside, she still insisted on walking unassisted the rest of the way home. It was dignity meets shit show.
Sorry about sucking tonight. Drunk truck fucking is apparently not my strong point.
I am alternating between eating dry cheerios and mint chocolate chip ice cream with a fork. Please love me because no one else will
I just looked into the eyes of the man whose car I peed on last night
I convinced a shit ton of people I was a russian foreign exchange student to get free drinks. I knew learning those accents would come in handy.
Why can't people give useful wedding gifts...like sex swings or Nutella?
I don't need to know how horny your mother is, hun.
I woke up to some strange woman rubbing peanut butter on my thighs
He's being awfully beer snobby for a guy who ordered salad
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