haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
Apparently mediocre decisions were made last night. I woke up alone in my own bed with my fridge defrosted.
And I didn't go to bed alone. I am buckets of fail.
I was just standing there and then BOOM! She was attacking my face with her mouth.
I don't get it, man. She treated me like a sexual predator but treated you like a piece of meat.
I'm pretty sure I have jizz on the back of the dress I wore to church. Awesome.
Do you think they'll have a special part during the BET awards for Michael Jackson even though he turned white?
i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
don't you miss freshman year when you could get away with "but i've never given a bj before..."
I was so proud to be driving sober that I wanted to get pulled over so I could tell the officer I hadn't been drinking.
We're making herpes jokes very loudly and hoping she notices.
It was the night of "what the fuck have you done with my daughter and where is she" texts from mom...
I just sent a bad sext to my sister. There's not even a way to damage control this, is there?
Where are you on a scale from one to wasted?
Like alphabetically I'd say a v
I'm not over that dildo rifle story. I don't think I ever will be.
No, I barely made it home last nite. Kept telling cab driver I live across the street from Susan Sarandon?? Thank god her coop addy is posted online.
You don't make any sense
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