Yea, forget your mom. She will be home after her one night stand.
My goal of the day is to not shit myself. That's it. Setting the bar real low
You threw my heel at her from across the street... And hit her in the back of the head so hard she face planted into the street. I need more friends like you.
This is the first time I'm hearing this information.
I dreampt that we were shooting zombies while we having sex. Is that normal?
She jumped on a table and took off her shirt and started yelling things that no one understood. For being 3, she has a dead on impression of a drunk party girl.
Oooo. Can we pretend to be Amanda Bynes?
She bought wigs like Disney princesses. I want to be her.
I showed him my machete and then we made out in the kitchen
I'm sexting with a 20 year old that has a foot fetish... This is what Sailor Jerry drives me to do.
Why can't all sociopaths be as fabulous as me?
i'm at work, alone, drinking a spiced chai & fireball hot toddy. holiday OT isn't that bad after all.
We need a kiddie pool and lots of cornstarch
this is the second night in a row i've fucked a guy i met on craigslist. and it wasn't even a post for sex. i posted a housing ad. A HOUSING AD
she said a prayer for the pipe you broke. she did the sign of the cross and everything
I ate cake in bed. Felt great
Walked off the dance floor to find Gabe hitting on a dad bod at the bar. It was my Dad. Awkward is an understatement.
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