and then I told her I was too drunk. She started to cry, and told me this always happens to her and that she thinks shes ugly. I pretended I was asleep and then she farted.
She came to work with 6 additional layers of make-up, playing every Nickelback song about explicit teen sex, and with a dozen twinkies she bet she could finish without chewing any. I'm investing in a rape whistle.
She has 260 profile pics. In 260 she's ugly and in 255, she's making the peace sign with her hands...
I want a nosebag of coke after my exam. Like what horses have. Coked up horses. No excuses. I love you.
I am never taking advice from you again. The high heels in the shower were a bad idea. I orgasmed and almost drowned.
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
I hope he says my name when they're having anniversary sex this weekend.
Taco Bell. She just parked, got out of the car mid drive-thru, ran to the dumpsters, pissed, then ran back and drove up in the line.
Well that's the thing. He does want to take me out... To a strip club. I see this going down a very bad road but you know I'm going to go.
you were afraid hed set himself on fire so you dumped a box of baking soda on him
The gas station was closed so we found old PBR and played Edward Nalgene Hands instead
He wore a t-shirt that had an arrow pointing to his crotch and "DO IT FOR THE VINE" on it.
At least he's honest about how long he'll last.
I'd call the fact I ended up in my own bed a huge success
so i fell out of a tree on the ave last night. someone told me there was alcohol at the top. bastards.
I’m so poor I’m filling a flask with vodka and bringing it to the bar.
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