I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
the jail released me with 39 mardi gras beads. I need details.
we should become lesbians. not together. just in general.
I'm not sure what happened last night, but my turtle seems afraid of me.
Also, the wait staff kept prematurely clearing my Manhattans. Not sure if it was an oversight or a hint.
He legit pounded my cooking wine, because he was to cheap to buy beer. He is so not getting any.
I'm laying here in fetal position. I feel like a traffic cone
She looked at me and said "i like penises." and then passed out with her condom balloon animal in her hands.
Already at the river; already getting fucked up. And yes that semicolon is legit because those are congruent statemests
Dude, I lost my shirt, and my doorknob is gone. I'm not sure which I should find first
He laid on the ground 100 ft from the car crying about how he just wanted to be home already
HE STARTED HUMMING THE THEME TO STAR WARS!! WHILE I'M SUCKING HIS DICK!!
Heading there now. Already have a boner.
I'm going to target high, just in case I ask you where my paycheck went later
But I’m still curious to know... how did the homemade porno go?
Randomize
