I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
normally I beat off every night before I go to bed even though my little brother sleeps in the same room. So I was starting to last night, and he jumped out of bed and said "Fuck, Im not listening to this shit again" We havent talked since. fuck me
yeah. pants. i need to put pants on. i didn't do that last night. big mistake
We spent three hours cleaning our room this morning. It was spotless and smelling good. I come home from work tonight and she has already smoked weed in it and "accidently" spilled vodka on the floor.
i'm going to invent a mini fridge that can hang from faucets so i don't have to get out of the bathtub anymore for a cold beer. its a million dollar idea
I blacked out after you got about 8 goldfish out of the tank and put them in your pockets. We're not allowed back. It was a sucky Walmart anyway...
Dude you ate toast sprawled out on my kitchen floor and said "this is comfy". No more day drinking.
Stop treating my vagina like a slapchop.
how is telling me how long you drunkenly fucked someone supposed to make me miss you?
The ultimate Father's Day bonding experience: Both getting bailed out of jail by mom for mooning some shithead cop.
Maybe just the first 2 wks of Nov can be dick detox.
got a blowjob in the bar bathroom, got arrested for public intoxication, and found a big bag of weed on the ground on my walk home from the station. my friday night could have been a movie
So what you're saying is that The Magic Kingdom is ruining our plans to get laid?
I feel like I should send her I'm sorry I've been fucking your boyfriend flowers.
Never going back to jail again. Only time in my life I've ever had a wet dream about jerking it...
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