Apparently mediocre decisions were made last night. I woke up alone in my own bed with my fridge defrosted.
And I didn't go to bed alone. I am buckets of fail.
By the end of the second bowl I was making sound effects to every hand movement he made.
you're kinda like the weird girl from The Breakfast Club after the makeover. i mean you're pretty, but you're still weird as fuck
I was so hungover I threw up on her when she answered the door. i don't think it was a good first impression
You tried to wear your Jesus costume into Family Christian stores and say it was a book signing.
i just know my balls have never hurt this bad before
This girl just swallowed a pealed banana whole. I'm not worthy.
...Just between you and me I just did Olympic grade ribbon dancing with toilet paper in the bar bathroom.
I will pee on everything he values.
Who am I sleeping next to in your bed? Where are you? Also when are you coming home... I need coffee.
I have meat and whiskey. will you bring condoms?
Fuck baseball, getting drunk and playing with kittens is the REAL national pasttime
oh so have I but I'd still suck a dick or 20 in the name of freedom.
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
Why don’t they have healthy alcohol yet?
Randomize
