pick me up and take me to a bathroom i have to shit
no
the bathroom is right infront of the beerpong table
im sorry you werent invited but you live 2 blocks away PLEASE
I saw a sign that said worlds largest frying pan next exit. Way to do your fucking part Iowa.
Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
I feel that the whole multiple orgasm thing is god's way of saying "sorry for the childbirth deal"
My mom's mothers day present consisted of a card, chocolate and the rose bush I threw up in as I was getting in last night. She loved it.
Making the executive decision for drunk you to not sleep in the lofted bed that has no ladder
He told me he breastfed 'til he was six. That explains the obsession with me getting fake tits. Is it a red flag?
Is that you who's passed out on my treadmill?
No, i went to get it done but the guy couldnt find it. exhibit A of why i wanted a clit piercing in the first place.
Orientation leader success, day 1: incoming freshman just ate out his first sorority girl. I gave him a 7/10.
Well, we all woke up in drag with no memory of why we were in drag. On the plus side, this shade of lipstick looks really good on me.
it'll be like the notebook except for with way more of my penis
I gave you chlamydia, you gave me a concussion. Now we're even.
Dad smells like hangovers and 65 years of bitterness
I need to find a divorced guy with a boat and let my tits do the talking
Randomize
