lesson #67 learned in college: a three day old margarita, is still a margarita.
Just watched a porn with the dvd commentary on i think i need to re-evaluate my life
I froze in his sixty one degree room but i came so hard. Like fucking the eskimo god.
Used my jumper cables as a bottle opener last night. Really pleased with my problem solving skills.
You tried to initiate "Occupy McDonald's" when the cashier didn't give you enough ketchup.
I spent the whole weekend building houses out of popsicle sticks for my bowls. How was your weekend?
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
Ten minute nap on a staircase honey badger don't care
I love you. Mom got to wasted at the wedding that she threw up on my shirt.
I took Xanax and it did nothing to me. First sign I'm crazy and actually need it.
You live 7 mins away and I'm leaving in 10 mins. At this point sex before work is impossible.
Challenge accepted. Be naked in 6 mins.
Is "You've never made me cum." an acceptable breakup line?
If a cop comes up to me I'm whipping out my cock, swinging it around and singing the national anthem
I feel like it should at least be like a "hey look I'm actually fine that I drunkenly gave you my virginity!" friend request.
Do you know this guy sitting in front of us? Asking for my vagina.
Damn him and his beautiful face and body and penis.
Randomize
