Omg. If Ina Garten Makes roast chicken one more time im going to strangle her with her white button down
there is a homeless man oan crack poledancing on a fence... now hes humping it...
I think I am the only girl in the world who would be proud of these scars from rug burn.
The toilet started ringing, I think I just found your phone.
You distracted them by dancing on the stripper pole, I ripped the flag off the wall, stuffed it in my pants and we were out.
they wouldn't let me take the pitcher of beer on the ferris wheel
No. I'm just saying it shows no signs of stopping. My dad was a man-whore well into his 50s.
The water at the venue tasted HORRIBLE so I just kept drinking booze. It was like the medievals.
At the bar, some guy bumped into you and you screamed "hey, don't touch what you can't afford sunshine!"
I left my panties in the microwave for too long and they caught on fire
Every person I've ever had sex with is in Chipotle right now.
I'll call you on my way home
Oh my god I'm going to die between now and then... can you at least tell me if y'all hooked up???
We found him. He just came running out of the closet with a bruise on his face saying he has been fighting elves in Narnia for a year.
The guy at the liqiour store just said "Wow haven't seen you in awhile, is everything okay?"
The hangover struggle is to real, just passed the drive thru window. Twice.
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