True but thats because hes a fetus.
i should write a book entitled 'the joys of being sexually objectified'
Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
His pubic hair was longer than his dick
my roommate's gf just broke up with him and hes in his room crying and listening to coldplay while beating off to pictures of her...
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
I just got my poem back from the prof, there's a sticker of a girraffe on it and it says "you're awesome!" ... How can this even be considered real college?!?
It was mandatory to shotgun a beer before we were allowed to eat dinner
Should I mail that cop his nightstick or just throw it away?
My dad used the quotation mark gesture with his hands when he asked how my "roommate" was doing.
That may be because I drunkenly sent him a pick of you two curled up together like kittens. Two very buff kittens.
Today is the day I die from a hangover. I love you, mom. Farewell.
You know you're hung over when the glare from the cream cheese on your bagel is just too bright...
Xanax and cookies, it's good to be home
If I died tonight, I'd be content knowing you were the last person to see my boobs.
He's being awfully beer snobby for a guy who ordered salad
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