Already got asked if we're dating
I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
He tried to pick up a girl by telling her about his homosexual experience in high school.
you were crying because peter frampton wasnt your dad
But guess what. I'm gonna roll over and go to sleep cuz there's no cuddling in phone sex.
Thank god crabs can't live on your head. Thank god.
I don't really want to have sex with him, I'd just want him in a threesome. Does that make sense?
somehow I feel like "adventures with cocaine and molly" wouldn't be an appropriate "How I Spent My Spring Break" essay topic.
Awkward drunk fist bump with the boss. Not sure if tomorrow will be weird or wonderful.
Saw a girl outside my apartment shotgun a bud light, then a red bull, get in her Tahoe, and drive 4 people away. Gotta love thirsty Thursday.
On the flip side Weston asked if he could move me to Wisconsin to be his "moto hoe" which is actually a thing apparently
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
Why do I have "apologize to Dave Coulier" written on my hand?
i spent most of last night convincing myself that dan akroyd wasn't actually standing in my bathroom holding a dead chicken
All I know is that I got to have an orgasm yesterday during sex so nobody can put a damper on my day, NOBODYYYYYY
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