There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
apparently I crawled into someone's bed and demanded they call me 'big dog' before shotgunning a beer
You know it's been a rough year when your therapist mouth is just wide open. And I didn't even get to the real issue!
I have a big to do list for you. Number 1 - me. Number 2 - drink wine 3. Talk my ears off. 4. Me again
Please tell me you're not home alone watching Glitter.
Can you see in?
You in for a dick vacation?
YES, even though I have no idea what that means
Zach, it's Lisa from work. Was that you yeiling BALLS DEEP at me on I-25 or is it just something about me that invites that from rando creeps?
Sweet! It'll be a "that-minor-I-used-to-serve-alcohol-to-is-no-longer-a-minor" party!!!
Ok. You have started something that can only end with a picture of the inside of my butthole. It may happen today or next year, but it's on my agenda.
And some neighbor just saw me naked and hunched over a bag of potato chips stuffing my face. Maybe clothes aren't a bad idea.
So the tow truck driver didn't charge us because Ian convinced him that he was sent out by God to share his cocaine with us.
i guess i fuck people who own bucket hats so i can't talk shit
Just seriously saw this chick say, watch this motherfuckers then did a 42 sec keg stand.
You at least asked for her number right?
He told me he would make me come so hard I would throw up. I'm actually horrified that he thinks that's something any person would want
So how often do you needs to see my tits today then?
Randomize
