I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
apparently i told her i wouldn't press charges if she brought me food.
the bar just sent me a facebook message congratulating me on being a regular and getting such good grades. my life is not real.
im not even sure if i fucked her just woke up in her closet.
Apparently as she was dragging me out of the club, I was clinching onto this european guy screaming at Jenna: that's the 12th time you've cockblocked me tonight
PS: when I ask you if I look fat in a a dress DO NOT TAKE YOUR SWEET ASS GAY TIME to formulate an answer only to tell me in front of our family that perhaps I should buy Spanx. Do you WANT me to tell mom and dad you suck cock? Then be a good brother and have the common decency to LIEEEEEE!!!!
If they were bad they leave that night, if they were good they get a gold star, and if they were great they get invited back. Simple.
of course we called 911. an innocent mans booze was at steak
We compared her boobs to bacon. I'm probably going to have to justify that.
We kinda got asked to leave the strip club and on the way out, you fell again. When you finally got up we got a standing ovation from the girls behind the bar and you took a bow. It was awesome.
Remember when we tried to have fun last time..? I got put in a choke hold and you woke up in some ones car.
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
He changed the password on his Netflix account. The break up is official.
She was a little thick, but we banged on the beach and fireworks went off as we finished so I think God wanted it
so i fell out of a tree on the ave last night. someone told me there was alcohol at the top. bastards.
Randomize
