Using pokemon references during sexual acts is always a good idea.
so she bought me lunch gave me a blowie then paid for the gas since I drove... I think there's a catch but I'm gonna run with it
Then he wanted a handjob in the car. While my cousin was driving. To krispy kreme. And there was someone else in the backseat.
Jesus...So southern.
oh and i'm sorry i sold you for three cigarettes last night
I just spent the last ten minutes making a timeline of my sex life. 2010 and 2011 I am calling "I can't believe Im still clean" years.
Wake up. We're going shopping for booze and samurai swords.
I took so my adderall all I can do is lie on my floor and stare too hard at my hedgehog. He has 42 spines in the dark spot on his shoulder btw.
Boobs are out for the taking
I bit my tongue so hard I left a deep imprint. Fuck you tongue, stop getting in the way of food.
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
is it bad that I see hot guys I wanna sleep with as challenges instead of actual people?
yes. but it works for you
So you were shitfaced and stole a fucking kayak?
Currently sifting through all the dick pics and nudes for a picture of my dad and I to post on social media for Father's Day...
I don't get a "my roommate is fucking you" discount?!
Do you know anything about how the saran wrap ended up on my toilet seat?
Randomize
