she gave me a schnouzer then wanted to kiss while we were having sex...i had to puppy slap her nose. pick me up out front.
Oh my god. I think I just sexted my mom...
What?!
Fwd: Ride me, you sleek sleek woman!!!
dude she has hot friends.. do you want blonde brunette or red head.. maybe asian?
what is this build-a-bear? .. just gimme one thats breathing
Just had a drunken guest at my hotel threaten to "throw a fuckin fireball at my face"
He asked if I was on the pill, apparently I just downed my glass of beer and winked at him...
No, no, we have to calibrate. What is the maximum amount of trouble we can get into without going to jail?
I walking on her passed out on her bed, clutching a burrito and the walking dead dvd on replay.
Beer is acceptable at 830am if it's your bday, right?
her vagina just converted me to Judaism.
While we were driving she just screams from the backseat: MUMFORD AND SONS DROP THE BANJO and made what were meant to be banjo sound effects
The exact people you expect to find at a bar at 2pm are here. Come visit. We'd really like the company.
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
Went home with a guy last night with Taco Bell sauce in my hair and on my pants
I just my had my first cup of coffee in a week. I think I might orgasm.
BITCH IT IS YOUR BIRTHDAY AND I'M STARTING ON A FISHBOWL OF LIQUOR WITHOUT YOU
I read that out. Group response is "Katie is hard as fuck."
WITH MOTHERFUCKING MONKEY MITTENS
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